I don’t mean to alarm you, but this may be cause for concern.
The Good Old Days
I remember Downy having a somewhat creamy but still rather fluid consistency. Not syrup-like, but more like a heavy cream. Pouring Downy in the washer was akin to pouring a rather nice cup of cocoa. It was rich and smooth, something that would make you just think of something heartwarming and inspiring. Pouring Downy felt like watching rainbows flow into a bowl of happiness, one which had no end. The scent was so pure and the consistency was something to make the strongest of men swoon and quiver under its gentle power. Never has such a fine fluid existed before, and never should there be one after.
Times Are Changing
It has come to my attention that my fabric softener in 2019 is incredibly thick. Like, really thick. Now, when I pour Downy into my washing machine, there’s an unprecedented level of thickness I just cannot allow. Pouring my fabric softener into the washing machine is a harrowing experience. The thick globs of what I cannot even call a liquid falling slowly into the machine just petrify my very being. The thickness is so intense that even the very scent of my beloved Downy has been tainted and maimed. Ensuring my apparel is pleasant to my lush skin now requires a gruesome act of masochism and it instills a deep, nihilistic sentiment in my heart. The thickness of current Downy brings tears to the eyes of innocent children on the opposite side of the globe. The United States Postal Service is commonly known for its unstoppable power as noted “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds”. Unfortunately, they failed to account for the awful, nay, insufferable presence of such a substance in this world. Thick globs of sickly blue goop have brought about an untimely death to the very concept of world peace. This can go on no longer. Do not let those who have lost their way put upon you such oppressive bile such as this. Now is the time to speak up, for we risk all that makes the world good should we bow down to the disgusting acts of this cruel teddy bear and its atrocious slime of doom.